I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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