My underwear smells like fireworks.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
