the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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