Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
