I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
