glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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