If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
