She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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