just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
