dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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