I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize