Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize