The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
