how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
