so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
