I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
