well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
