When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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