My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
