took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
