What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
