By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize