What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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