he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Randomize