If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
