I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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