This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
