dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize