When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
