What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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