dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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