im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
