I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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