She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
