Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
