my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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