I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
