I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
it's not cheating when I paid for it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
