apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
