How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
