I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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