I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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