If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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