if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
