I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
