i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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