Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you made out with another girl for some wings
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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