We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
