dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
