I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
