i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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