I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
