I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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