Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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