I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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