life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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