So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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