I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
