So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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