4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
