new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
