I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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