Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
