Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The adults are the big ones right?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
