I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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