loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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